You know, it's actually a lot simpler to make a martial arts movie when the lead can do their own stunts. What would happen when Johnny Cage of Mortal Kombat takes on Fei Long of Street Fighter?
One Minute Melee!
Where all the fights are settled in 60 seconds!
(Cue Character Select Remix; 0:00-0:10)
Player 1 chooses the random select and gets Johnny Cage. Player 2 then chooses Fei Long.
(Character Select Remix fades out.)
These are the yells of a grizzled Captain Blue, commanding a film crew from his director’s chair.
“‘Cage vs Long: Fighters Torn’ must be good! This is a first in many ways, so we can’t mess this one up! The studio has already dumped over 50 million into this damn thing! That's far more than any film I have made!”
“Um, excuse me,” Asks one of the film’s stars, Fei Long, “You said there were going to be rewrites, but none of us ever got them.”
Captain Blue sighs. “Look, the rewrites aren’t ready yet. But fear not, I have a plan.”
Johnny Cage, the other star of the picture (obviously), asks, “So, what’s your genius plan gonna be? Make us fight for real and just go from there?” Johnny pauses. “That’s exactly what the plan is, isn’t it?”
Captain Blue confirms, “The main issue with writing the script is that we have no idea who should win the title matchup. Begrudgingly, the writers decided that having you two fight for real and just filming that is the best we could do on such a time crunch.”
Fei nods. “Understood. I shall give it my best.”
As the two get into position, the cameras roll into position. The two actors stare each other down, just for Johnny to make a ‘shove it’ gesture.
As the cameras begin to roll, Captain Blue groans, “Why couldn’t I be with my own studio? Joe and the others are honest to goodness so much easier to handle!”
Make it flashy, guys!
(Cue Theme of Fei Long; 0:14-1:14)
Fei starts with a lunging punch, followed by a pair of big, tall kicks. Johnny recovers quickly and sweeps Fei onto the ground, followed by picking him up and kicking him away. Fei gets up, grabs Johnny by the head, and flips over him, tossing him away when he lands.
Johnny springs up and throws a force ball at Fei. Upon impact, Johnny kicks Fei twice before mixing in some punches.
“Blue,” a stagehand asks Captain Blue, “Shouldn't you call ‘Cut' for use of powers?
Captain Blue responds, “It saves us money on special effects.
Suddenly, on the actual stage, Fei blocks one of Johnny’s punches and responds with an upwards, flaming kick, sending Johnny into the air.
“See,” Captain Blue continues, “They both have that special stuff! We're saving millions!”
As Johnny hangs in midair, Fei jumps after. The two trade blows in midair. After on of Johnny’s punches, he grabs Fei, tosses him towards the ground before kicking him down. Johnny lands in time for Fei to, as expected, get up. Johnny cracks his knuckles and dashes forward.
Johnny pulls a fist back before throwing a punch out. He throws the punch out, just for Fei to block it, responding with five punches in quick succession, the last one being a backfist that gives space between the two actors. Fei closes the space again by tossing himself forward with vertically spinning kicks, knocking Johnny onto the floor. Fei keeps up the combo by kicking Johnny’s faceplated head.
Johnny suddenly bursts with energy, getting himself beck on his feet.
Johnny jumps up and kicks Fei downwards. Fei hangs in air as Johnny lands and kicks him again before going in for and elbow smash, smashing Die down.
Fei lands face up, letting him quickly sweep Johnny onto the ground with him. Fei rolls forward, letting him stand up, grab Johnny by the shoulders, and toss him into a pillar. Johnny grabs the pillar to stabilize himself before springing off it, kicking Fei in the chest so hard, it sends him into another pillar.
The set begins to shake as the two make impact after impact on each other, every punch and kick hitting the opponent. As the two continue to take a beating, the struggle focuses over to a third and final pillar.
“Blue,” the stage hand comments, “It looks as if they’re going to break the set!”
Captain Blue responds, “Then we’ll just write in that the building the characters are in is set to explode anyways! This is getting good!”
Fei gets a good enough punch in to send Johnny into the pillar. He then wails on Johnny, forcing him farther and farther into the pillar, eventually snapping the pillar in half.
The set begins to shift around as Johnny, with a few splinters in his back, runs forward and immediately punches Fei… right in his Bruce’s Lees.
Fei grabs the aforementioned body part in pain as Johnny elbows Fei in the back before kneeing him in the face.
Johnny runs forward and leaps.
He stomps on Fei’s chest with one foot.
And then stomps on his face with the other one.
Johnny steps off of Fei and pumps his fist in victory… just for the set to crumble on both martial artists. Johnny is able to get out of the rubble, with Fei following immediately after.
“Cut!” calls Captain Blue, “Very good! We’re using this… but with a catch.”
“Hm?” Respond both actors at the same time.
“You see,” Captain Blue continues, “Right as Johnny was knocked into the pillar, I received word that the script writers have determined that, since it is estimated that the film will see the most profit in Asian regions, that Fei should win the final battle, which will continue from this point, since we can't reshoot on a destroyed set. Now, take five, everybody!”
Johnny Cage sighs, “Whatever. Just remember: I won the actual match! It belongs to- Wait, why is everybody leaving me? I won! Guys?!”
(Cue Mortal Kombat Theme)
This melee's winner is... Johnny Cage!