Description[]
This One Minute Melee features Deadpool from Marvel Comics and Gilgamesh from Final Fantasy. These red clad swordsmen may are not only skilled when it comes to kicking ass but they can also be the funniest things ever. When these two collide, you might as well say goodbye to the fourth wall.
Note: Any lines in italics belong to Deadpool's 4th wall textbox.
Interlude[]
ONE MINUTE MELEE!
WHERE ALL THE FIGHTS ARE SETTLED IN AT LEAST 60 SECONDS!
2 FIGHTERS!
NO RESEARCH!
AT LEAST 60 SECONDS!
MELEE!!!
Intro[]
LA Comic Con Cue Music 1
"So guys, remind me why I'm supposed to go to this nerd convention again?" "Well, for starters everyone's just gonna think you're some random cosplayer due to the setting." "Oh yeah, I was wondering why I was seeing so many copies of me running around. Still, it is pretty awesome to see just how much respect I get around here. Maybe I should unmask-" "Hell no man! Not while you're still on the mission!" "Psh. Killjoy. How hard could it be to find and steal the hard drive containing the secret list of future Smash Bros characters?"
*THWACK!*
"Ow, whaddya got to do that for? Hell, how did you even do that, you're just a frickin' text box!" "Everyone can hear you, dumbass! The hard drive is supposed to be a secret!" "Hold that thought buddy, I just found some cosplayers of my most hated characters I wanna screw with. Be right back!" "*sigh* Mesa thinks this is a bad idea."
"Yo, Jar Jar! You want me to give you a face lift?!" Deadpool swung his blade at what he thought was a cosplayer's Jar Jar mask. "Holy shit! Those crazy ass fan theories were actually true?! Woah there, put me down! AAAAHHH!" Deadpool yelled out as he was tossed across the room with the force. "Huh. You know, something tells me that wasn't just some cosplayer." "Yeah, no kidding! I mean who would have thought Jar Jar would turn out to be- OOH! Get a load of that!" Deadpool ran off to investigate a nearby display.
*Meanwhile*
"Wow. You really weren't kidding when you said your family history was huge, Jaune!" "I know right? I'm nowhere near their level yet." "Oh come on now, you don't need to keep bringing yourself down! Why don't you tell us about the display?" "Well, this is an exact recreation of the battleground in which my ancestors decimated a legion of Grimm! The famed blade Excalibur wielded by Jonas Arc lays right in the middle of that bridge off in the distance. It's just a cheap replica of course. Completely usele-" "Hey, what's that red thing?" "Noire, what are you talking about? There shouldn't be a red-" "Jaune, I think some cosplayer's trying to steal your cheapass family heirloom!" "Hey, that's harsh!"
*Meanwhile, on the big bridge.*
"Oh sweet! Would you get a load of this beauty? Just imagine all the noobs I could slay with it!" "I hate to disappoint you pal, but do you see that kanji on the side of it? It means it's a damn fake." "Ah man! Why the hell would anybody build a sword that's completely useless at cutting off heads? Excalibur my ass! More like Excalipoor! Why I-" "GILGAMESH STRIKES AGAIN!" "What the fu-"
*CRASH!*
"At last! I never thought somebody would download this part of the game and I'd be stuck in digital limbo! But i have finally found the legendary blade I have seeked for all these years: EXCALIBUR!" "...Who the hell is this guy?" "WHY I'M THE MIGHTY-" "Mighty large ham seems about right. Wow, this guy seems pretty obnoxious. Who knew loud mouthed red guys could be so annoying?" "Sounds to me like you just described yourself there." "Shut up man-" "NOBODY IGNORES THE WRATH OF... GILGAMESH! HAVE AT THEE FIEND!"
THE GEARS OF FATE ARE TURNING...[]
OH! IS IT ASS KICKING TIME? I WANNA ANNOUNCE IT! LETS ROCK BITCHES!
"Lets see what the forecast foretells! Bullet showers and rocket storms!" Gilgamesh loaded all six of his arms with an assortment of firearms and opened fire on the merc with a mouth. "Ow ow ow ow ow!" Deadpool comically rattled his body around as he took the full force of Gilgamesh's arsenal. "Aw hell." Deadpool was immersed in a fiery explosion when Gilgamesh finished his barrage with a rocket launcher.
"HA HA! Victory is- GAH!" Gilgamesh boasted out before a grenade exploded in his face. "Big fan of Ratchet & Clank eh? You 'aint the only one with more dakka punk!" Deadpool leaped above the explosion free of harm and opened fire on Gilgamesh with his two machine guns. "You trying to create an opening my makin' me laugh?" Gilgamesh returned the favor with his own barrage. "Wait, how are you even staying in the air like that?!" "Well, the momentum of my bullets-" "Do you even physics? It doesn't work like that!" Deadpool kept arguing with the fourth wall while shooting back in midair but his eyes widened upon the sight of a gigantic missile heading right for him. "Don't look kids!"
"What? Where have you gone, coward?!" Deadpool suddenly appeared behind the larger warrior and brought one of his katanas to Gilgamesh's crotch, forcing him to his knees. "Oh, critical hit to the nads!" Deadpool teleported back in front of Gilgamesh to deliver a sweet uppercut to the jaw. "Shoryuken!" The merc followed after him, gave out a few slashes with his blades, and slammed Gilgamesh to the ground with both fists. "Get dunked on! WOMBOOOOOOO COMBO!"
"No! No! No! This isn't my style at all!" Gilgamesh rose back to his feet and tossed his guns off the bridge. "Dude! That's such a waste!" "Ha ha ha ha! Now the true fight begins!" Gilgamesh had replaced his guns with an impressive display of blades. "Oh sweet! Is that the Bus-" "No, that sword has a fake kanji on it's side too." Gilgamesh quickly scooped the merc off the ground like a blade helicopter and slammed Deadpool as far away as possible with the fake Buster Sword. "Crumble to dust!" "Wait, did he just call me a vertical duck?" "No, I'm pretty sure that was just a mondegreen. He actually said-" "Ah, what do you know? Quick, be my meat shield!" "What?!" The text box magically appeared in front of Deadpool just as Gilgamesh dashed after the airborne "duo". The larger swordsman comically slammed into the box like a brick wall.
"Ha! Now lets send you-" Deadpool pressed a button on his teleportation belt but the device beeped unexpectedly. "That can't be good." "I pressed the wrong button!" Deadpool yelled as he exploded in midair. Deadpool found himself reemerging in the men's restroom. "Well, this is a pretty shitty situation." "Can it, asshole." Deadpool mumbled as he removed his head from a toilet. "What the- Why's the door locked from the outside?! Guess I've gotta do this the hard way." He grabbed a katana and began trying to cut the door down. "Heeeeee'res DEADPOOL!" The merc yelled while sticking his head out of the new hole he made.
*SMACK!*
"OW! Whats the- Oh. Wrong bathroom. Sorry!" "DEADPOOL! GET THE F*CK OUT!" "Oh come on Domino. Why did we even break up in the first place?" "Oh, this guy's making me really mad." "Wait, isn't that..." "Oh shit! Isn't that girl supposed to be Iris Heart?! Oh please work please work!" Deadpool desperately scrambled to get his teleportation belt to work again. He warped out at the last second as Domino pointed a revolver at his head.
The mercenary found himself behind a sales stall in the middle of the convention this time. "Hey, I remember you!" Deadpool pointed a finger at the man heading the stall. "No dude, I'm just cosplaying as Deathstroke. No need to-" "SHH! Look over there! Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting Gilgameshes." Deadpool forced the man to duck underneath the stand. "So, is that a real prometheum sword?" "Actually, yeah dude!" "Sweet! Finders keepers!" Deadpool grabbed the blade and leaped out of the stand to clash with his very confused opponent again. "All right chums, lets do this! WAAAAADE WILSON!"
TIME'S RUNNING OUT!
"What?! That's bullshit!" Deadpool grabbed another gun and shot into the air.
HEY! YOU BROKE THE DAMN TIMER! AGAIN!
"Too bad, we're not even close to- WOAH!" Deadpool's rantings attracted the attention of the six armed swordsman who proceeded to tackle the merc to the ground. "So, you think you could run away from me? What a joker!" Deadpool groggily regained his footing. "Hey, I was in the middle of a monologue there, ya mook! Show some respect!"
"Fell for it!" Gilgamesh leaped into the air and slammed his blades into Deadpool as the Mercenary continued ranting. "Here I am!" Gilgamesh followed up with a styish Sword Dance combo, knocking Deadpool into a nearby wall. "Oh sweet! Look at the crowd that showed up! I knew they all loved me! Oh, where did I put my-" "Rocket Punch!" An oversized pair of fists forced Deadpool further into the crater in the wall. deadpol still managed to hold onto the stolen prometheum sword throughout the assault. "Awesome! This thing really is indestructible!"
"Why won't you die?!" Gilgamesh shouted as he launched a razor wind at Deadpool's crater. Deadpool teleported behind the large swordsman. "Cause I'm f*ckin' invincible!" Deadpool slashed right through Gilgamesh's feet. "What, did you expect me to say something about nanomachines?" Deadpool dashed through his foe a few more times. "Yo, I'll need your help again!" "No don't you dare-" Deadpool grabbed his faithful text box and swung it with all his might. "And we have a home run!"
Gilgamesh managed to land on his feet with exceptional grace. "I see, you are a worthy opponent indeed. In that case..." His body began to glow. "Now we fight like MEN! And LADIES! And ladies that dress like MEN!"
"HEY!"
"For Gilgamesh... IT'S MORPHING TIME!" The red warrior's appearance had changed dramatically. He now had a total of eight arms and his blades looked more fearsome than ever. "Oh look. I have more arms than all of you!" Deadpool looked on in amazement. "Wow, is it Power rangers time?! Quick, somebody toss me a helmet!"
A stranger in the audience did just that. "Hell yeah! I always fancied myself as the Red Ranger! SPD... Emergency! Lets do this!" Deadpool leaped into the air more and rained a barrage of shurikens down on Gilgamesh. "Going up!" Gilgamesh jumped even higher and tried to fall right onto the airborne Deadpool. "Not this time, pal!" With Deathstroke's blade in hand, the mercenary blocked Gilgamesh's descent entirely. Both fighters were forced to the ground, yet Deadpool kept on pushing.
"Hey, a little help here!" "Oh, all right." The text box popped up to stop Gilgamesh's descent in Deadpool's place. "A valiant effort, but not quite enough!" Gilgamesh stopped his descent and forcefully slammed his blades to the ground. "Oh shit!" Deadpool was caught in the enormous shockwave that followed Gilgamesh's landing, dropping Excalipoor on the ground in the process.
Gilgamesh dashed over to retrieve the false blade. "At last, the legendary blade belongs to me!" "Actually its-" "Enough of you! No you shall feel my full wrath!" Gilgamesh repeatedly slashed right through the mercenary at blinding speeds. "Now, for the final blow..." Gilgamesh came to a sudden realization upon closer examination of the situation. "THIS IS FAR FROM THE STRONGEST OF SWORDS!" He cried as he threw the blade away like a paper ball.
It conventiently landed right on Deadpool's head. "Ow! I'm not a trash can you know!" "Oh the shame!" Gilgamesh cried out as he stole a drink from a nearby stall and downed the contents in a single gulp. The sight of this sent Deadpool on the edge. "Wait a minute... THAT WAS MINE YOU SON OF A BITCH!" "YOU FIEND! DO YOU TRULY TAKE ME FOR A FOOL!"
The two fighters were at each other's throats in an instant. They clashed blades in a battle that would not look too out of place in Dragon Ball Z. Deadpool found the perfect blind spot in Gilgamesh's offences soon enough. "This'll teach ya!" Gilgamesh dropped to his knees once more as Deadpool slammed his text box into Gilgamesh's crotch. "Hey, that was uncalled for!" "It doesn't matter!"
Deadpool grabbed the larger warrior and threw him to the ground.
"NO..." Deadpool stomped on his face a few times.
"ITEMS..." Deadpool grabbed the text box and reeled back one last time.
"EVEEEEEEEEEER!" Deadpool swung his makeshift bat with enough force to break the sound barrier.
KO!
"Looks like Gilgamesh is blasting off agaaaaaain!" "Hell yeah! Deadpool wins! Fa- well, BRUTALITY!" The mercenary was met with a loud round of applause from the crowd. "Thank you! Thank you! This all mean so much-"
"HEY! That replica blade belongs to my family!" Deadpool looked over to see Jaune Arc and a few of his friends glaring at the mercenary angrily. "Oh yeah, I'll give it back to ya now... Oh wait... Where'd it go?!"
Deadpool searched his pockets in a panic. "Plutie, you know what to do." "Yay!"
"Oh, hell no! I am NOT dealing with this!" The mercenary proceeded to sprint away from the scene like his life depended on it.
Results[]
THIS MELEE'S WINNER IS...
ME! DEADPOOL!